When the Character of God Seems Confusing

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.”

Proverbs 9:10

A Matter of Priorities

Be Still Magazine Issue 31

Through Agony, Comes Forth Life

Am I A Good Mom?

From Olive to Oil Podcast

Through Agony, Comes Life with Savannah Richey

He Gives to His Beloved Sleep

It was two o’clock in the morning and my newborn was asleep in the bassinet next to me. Most of the time, a newborn sleeping is cause for celebration and slumber but on this particular night, fears about my son’s life plagued my mind. You see, a few days prior, my sweet baby was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. He had stopped breathing and passed out, seemingly inexplicably. It turns out that he had a breath holding spell. Basically, he was startled by something and his body’s fight or flight response kicked in and he held his breath. By God’s grace, he is okay and there are no long term issues because of this temporary loss of oxygen, but the picture of my three-week-old, sheet-white, in the back of an ambulance is forever burned in my brain. So at two o’clock, I could feel the trauma from the experience that was wreaking havoc on my mental and physical health. On this particular night, I was up, yet again, worried about what would happen if I went to sleep.

In God’s divine providence, I stumbled across Psalm 127. The Psalm is short so reading it just a few times was enough to commit it to memory. The first two verses are what I needed in that panicked moment and what I’ve needed in every moment of late-night anxiety since. The Psalmist says:

“Unless the LORD builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.” (ESV)

These two verses provide us with practical hope for trusting in God. Just as the Lord is the one who builds the house and watches over the city, the Lord is the one who sustains the life of my child and yours. I remember wrestling with this reality when I brought my first baby home. I wondered “If I go to sleep, who will make sure my daughter is still breathing?” I only had two options: never sleep again, or trust the Lord to give or take her breath. In other words, trust God or pine in futility for control I don’t have. My trust in him was not rooted in whether or not he would keep her breathing, but whether I believed he was good no matter what happened while I slept.

The difference I found with my son was that although I thought I had already relinquished my need for control, when my tiny baby actually had no breath in his lungs, the reality of my inability to sustain his life hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized with tears in my eyes the truth of verse one:

Unless the Lord keeps my child alive, I labor in vain. Unless the Lord heals the illness, changes your circumstances, provides for your finances… then you labor in vain.

At first, this reality is scary. If I could control everything, then nothing would go wrong, right? It is easy to think we know better than God, but if we contemplate for a moment our own finitude, I am sure our response will be different. The control we desire is not what we really want. We don’t want the oceans to bow at our command, we don’t want to have to make the world spin. We don’t even want to solve the problem in front of us because God’s reason for that problem is truly better than the solution we would provide. [1] Even if we think we want that power in the moment, if we believe in God’s perfection, we would never trade our faulty abilities for his holy ones. Truthfully, I have the small task of making our house run smoothly and somehow I am still overwhelmed. Imagine all that would go wrong if I were in charge of everything else! God is God for a reason. He builds the house, he watches over the city. Because God does these things, the result is what we so desperately need:

“For he gives to his beloved sleep.”

So as I looked at my sweet baby and wondered about his health, obsessively Googling his breathing patterns, and working myself into an all out panic, I was reminded of Psalm 127, he gives to his beloved sleep. Rest is contingent upon trust in the Lord. I am that beloved, I am the one who eats the bread of anxious toil. But I don’t have to. We have been given the precious gift of rest as we trust in an abundantly worthy God. If you are desperate for sleep, if anxiety has kept you up, if you are eating that anxious bread day and night, come to the Lord. He is worthy of our trust. He is the Author and Sustainer and the very best news is that he cares about you. He keeps the world spinning and he gives you rest. Lean on him, for he gives to his beloved sleep.

[1] Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 139:6, Jeremiah 10:12

All The Things I Wouldn’t Know

"Did you think it would be like this?"

The question hangs between us as flashes of the expectations I had for motherhood swirl in my brain. This is the third time this week my grandma has dropped off dinner for us. When I considered what it would be like to have children, I thought of snuggles and baby babbles and first words. I daydreamed of beach trips and pretty swaddles and soft skin—the stuff of a baby boutique ad. None of those daydreams included projectile vomit, ER visits, or missing Christmas with my family. Call it naivety, which it may have been, but I also think I really couldn't prepare for what I didn't know was to come.

No, I didn't think it would be like this. I had not even considered that my son's first two months of life would be spent with us quarantined from severe respiratory illnesses. I never thought my husband’s eight weeks of paternity leave would be a never-ending cycle of fevers and late nights, early mornings, snot-sucking, and humidifiers. I certainly did not consider how our church nursery would be the perfect incubator for every seasonal illness available. Like I said, maybe it was naive of me, but when my sweet grandmother asked the question, my answer was a resounding, "No, I didn't think it would be like this."

I have mourned the many ways I thought motherhood would look. Certainly, this season is God’s gracious gift to me—full of love, joy, and heart-melting moments. Yet who knew it would also be far more messy and far more tedious than what I saw on Instagram? There are so many things I didn't know, but what's more profound are all the things I wouldn't know now if I never encountered the sickness that comes with having tiny children:

1. The intense love of the church for her people.

Sickness opened the door for me to experience the beauty of the church like I hadn’t before. In those extremely tender moments, I saw firsthand how the body of believers prays, comforts, and offers tangible support to those who need it. A text. A meal delivered. Babysitting despite fevers because they know we have reached our limits. Love like this is deeply sacrificial and representative of the love of Christ. Without illness, I may have never known this love.

2. My need to trust Christ with my children's lives.

Seeing my son without breath in his lungs brought me to terms with my own inability to sustain his life. All the control I thought I had was quickly stripped from me when I had no power to take away his suffering. I have never felt so helpless, but I have also never been so strengthened by the Lord. Those moments of immense weakness showed me that Christ's sustaining power for my life and the lives of my children is so much better than the facade of control I lived in before having babies.

3. The sufficiency of the Lord to sustain me.

In the moments when I really thought I could not go on—whether that was due to my own illness, sleepless nights, postpartum fog, or the thousands of other things going on in those days—the Lord always kept me going. I think this is the time when I truly learned the reality of God's mercies being new every morning.[1] Through illness, God taught me that his grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in weakness[2]—not just in theory but in the real, hard, tiring moments of life. He used unprecedented seasons of illness in our home to refine me and to cause me to trust him. Despite how it may feel, at the end of myself, and my own abilities, is a really good place to be.

4. The hope and fullness of heaven.

Finally, prolonged family illnesses have caused me to long for heaven in new ways. I ache for the days when I don't have to hold my hair back while I puke into the toilet or when the anxiety of my children's health is not even a consideration. I cannot wait for my own responses to be those that always glorify God—to never be angry when I'm inconvenienced or fearful because of my circumstances. I look forward to being fully made into Christ's image, and I know that the work the Spirit is doing in me through these earthly hardships is transforming me from one degree of glory to the next.[3]

So no, I didn't think it would be this way. I didn't think flus and fevers would consume so much of my time and energy, but I also had no concept for all that motherhood would teach me. I didn't know the ways that my picture-perfect dreams would be insufficient for my sanctification. But God did. The Lord knew all that I would encounter in motherhood, and he knew his sustaining power in ambulance rides and all-nighters would be molding me into a more worthy vessel for his glory. In some ways, I mourn the ideals I once held, but I am so grateful to now know all the things I wouldn't have known without these unexpected hardships. Amidst all the ups and downs, God faithfully uses these motherhood moments to make us more like Christ.

[1] Lamentations 3:22-23

[2] 2 Corinthians 12:9

[3] 2 Corinthians 3:18

Noble’s Birth Story

Noble Elliott Williams born on June 13, 2023 weighing 11lbs 1oz and 22 inches.

I was 10 days past my due date when I woke up from a nap around 8:30pm. I didn’t feel great but I wasn’t sure that meant labor was coming. I finished reading a book I had started and spent some time in prayer. I had actively been praying for Noble’s birth since he was conceived but I realized that night that although I had prayed the Lord would bring him, I had never had an uninterrupted birth (membrane sweep with Ozella & artificial rupture of membranes with Eli). So despite being educated regarding birth and trusting the medical team I had, I was nervous that maybe the Lord would not bring Noble into the world without intervention. So in the dark of Monday night, I prayed and surrendered my labor and my boy to God.

I quickly began to feel sick and contractions became regular and a bit more intense but very manageable. I had Eli in less than two hours so I knew it was important that I let my midwives know as soon as I had any indication labor was coming because they were heading to my house from Fresno, about a two hour drive. We had a home water birth planned. Around midnight, I texted both of my midwives and my mom to let them know that I believed I was in early labor. My mom headed over to pick up the kids and my midwives headed to my house. I let Matt sleep for awhile as I worked through the mild contractions and then woke him up when my mom arrived to help me get the kids to her car. Once he was up, he set up my birth pool in the middle of our living room over a big plastic tarp while I labored through the contractions. I started puking which is normal for me in early labor. My midwives arrived around 2:30am. I was coping really well in the shower, in my bed, on the birth ball, standing etc. Matt was an amazing birth partner and worked with me as the waves passed. I was checked for dilation three times; five, seven, and nine centimeters. All the way through nine centimeters, I was loving my birth experience. I actually looked at my midwives and said I was having fun! My other two births were nothing like this and I wondered if it was really possible to birth this peacefully.

Around nine centimeters, my water broke. Within the hour, my body started to push. I felt like I desperately needed to get him out as the pushing became more and more and more intense with very little progress of him actually crowning. This is when I started to panic. My body was pushing so hard yet he was not coming out. I was pushing along with my body, he still wasn’t coming out. In my bed, in the shower, in the birthing pool, I pushed for an hour and a half without him progressing. With my other two babies, I pushed for twenty minutes and then maybe four minutes, I could tell there was something off about this time. Finally, my midwife told me I needed to stand up out of the pool with one leg up. As soon as I stood, a wave of contractions hit me so hard Matt had to hold me up. Noble’s head emerged and I had this overwhelming sense of relief because once the head exits, everything else is supposed to follow quickly. Everything did not follow quickly. My skilled midwives quickly realized that not only was Noble stuck at the chest, his very short umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his neck keeping him from descending any further out of the canal. The cord was wrapped so tightly it was as thin as a pencil. One of the midwives jumped into action working to get him out. The other midwife and Matt lifted me up off the ground and out of the pool so the first midwife could get underneath me. She rotated Noble in the birth canal so the cord unwrapped and they were able to slip it over his head so he could fully descend out of the canal. I collapsed immediately into the pool and he was laid on my chest. He was purple and not yet breathing so I gave him air through his mouth and then we utilized a mask to get air into his lungs. He started breathing and quickly turned pink. My contractions had not stopped despite him coming out so I was still in excruciating pain. My placenta was very large to fuel an even larger baby and it was not detaching. My body continued to contract so we cut the cord and I turned over and had to push what felt like another baby out. Once the placenta finally came out my body stopped with such intense contractions. I was able to get into my bathtub with Noble. He nursed right away and has latched perfectly ever since.

We relaxed awhile and then moved into my bedroom where we found out he was 11lbs 1oz. My two other babies were 7lbs 5oz and 7lbs 12oz. Needless to say we were all absolutely shocked that Noble was as big as he is.

There are a lot of things I could say about this birth. It was not uncomplicated. It was harder than my two other births by far. But I would not change one single thing about the choices we made throughout the process. I am so grateful for skilled midwives, a supportive husband, and a God who has designed beautiful bodies to bring life into this world. It was an amazing experience and if the Lord blesses us with more children, home births forever. Even when Noble was stuck and then not breathing, I was never afraid. Part of that was due to the pain I was in, part of it was due to the fact that I knew we were in wonderful hands and the Lord was sovereign over every breath Noble and I took.

In regards to recovery, my body is in more pain than with my other babies but NO stitches or tearing!! After birth contractions are no joke the third time around. Noble is a sweet and calm baby. He eats and sleeps great and really doesn’t complain. I am loving every moment with him.

God’s kindness abounds in the bringing forth of life. Birth never ceases to amaze me.

This song played during my labor and I couldn’t help but weep as I thought about the wonder of being a mother.

The Tension Of Knowledge And Experience, Carpool Theology

You can listen to my guest appearance on Carpool Theology here.

Midwestern Magazine Issue 45

Finding Joy in Everyday Life by Haylee J Williams

The Daily Grace Co Magazine Issue 26

Issue 26

Hope for the Christian Who Feels She Can Never Walk in Purity

The definition of the word purity is the "freedom from contamination or adulteration[1]." In the biblical sense of the word, the contamination that keeps a person from purity is sin or unrighteousness. It is normal for us to struggle to be pure in heart because purity does not come naturally to humanity. In fact, we curve in the opposite direction. Jeremiah pulls no punches when letting Israel know the true state of their hearts. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) In stark contrast, 1 Samuel 2:2 says "There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God." In these two verses, we find the greatest issue for humanity: human depravity and the holiness of the Lord. God is pure, holy, and good. We are desperately evil and sick. This can be a truly disheartening reality because of the gigantic chasm that lies between us and God. Sometimes holiness feels like an impossible standard to accomplish. But we have great hope.

Idol Factories

Our Lord gives abundantly to all of creation. Jesus himself speaks of the Father giving good gifts in Matthew 7:11 "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"  This means that every day, we are all living in a world of good gifts. Many of us have homes, families, cars, and infinitely more. These are good things. They bring us joy and in many ways, help us to serve Christ.

But sometimes, we are unknowingly offering sacrifices and worshipping the creation instead of the Creator. Because these gifts are good and bring us much joy, we elevate them to sit on the throne of our hearts and in so doing, sin against the Lord. We tend to let our guard down for how these things may manifest themselves as idols within us.

When Labor and Delivery Seem Daunting

Our labors are meant to point us to a much greater reality—Christ and him crucified. 

I was about nine months pregnant with my first baby when I received some advice I will never forget. A sweet friend of mine told me to be very mindful of the first moments when my daughter entered this world. She told me of the incredible miracle of watching a baby take their first breaths of oxygen while knowing that God is breathing literal life into their bodies. A few weeks later when my daughter was born, I yelled with relief and excitement, “Breath of life! Breath of life!” as she took her first breath. I’m sure the nurses and the doctor in that delivery room thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I was seeing the active hand of God’s grace as he breathed the breath of life into her body. I was experiencing, as you may have, the time for my daughter to be born. Whether you birthed a baby yourself or are the mother of a child through adoption, you are a recipient of this grace. You have received it both in the breath of your own life and in the life of your child. The intricacies of labor and delivery; the entry of a child into the world; the biological realities of how a child comes to be; all of these things scream of God’s glory and God’s grace. God’s kindness is on inexplicable display in the birth of a child, perhaps more than it is in any other time. In the midst of the curse of humanity, God is near. In the midst of agony, we know that joy is coming.

I’m a Stay-at-Home Mom and I Decided to Go to Seminary

In the Fall of 2019, I started discussing with my new husband the prospect of attending seminary. I had been in pursuit of theological education since the time I came to Christ but I was eager for something more. I wanted the intensity and academic rigor of a Masters of Divinity program. At the time, I was not pregnant. In the Lord’s providence, just a few months later, I was pregnant with our first child and accepted into the online Master of Divinity program at Midwestern Seminary. 

When pursuing any higher education, the question most people ask is, “What are you going to do with your degree?” Although I do have dreams and goals for continued education, writing, and teaching, my primary reason for going to seminary was not rooted in a career path. In fact, just before the birth of our baby, I quit my full time job to be a stay-at-home mom.

What good is a seminary degree for a mom? In answering that question, I have five reasons why I decided to go to seminary.