All The Things I Wouldn’t Know
"Did you think it would be like this?"
The question hangs between us as flashes of the expectations I had for motherhood swirl in my brain. This is the third time this week my grandma has dropped off dinner for us. When I considered what it would be like to have children, I thought of snuggles and baby babbles and first words. I daydreamed of beach trips and pretty swaddles and soft skin—the stuff of a baby boutique ad. None of those daydreams included projectile vomit, ER visits, or missing Christmas with my family. Call it naivety, which it may have been, but I also think I really couldn't prepare for what I didn't know was to come.
No, I didn't think it would be like this. I had not even considered that my son's first two months of life would be spent with us quarantined from severe respiratory illnesses. I never thought my husband’s eight weeks of paternity leave would be a never-ending cycle of fevers and late nights, early mornings, snot-sucking, and humidifiers. I certainly did not consider how our church nursery would be the perfect incubator for every seasonal illness available. Like I said, maybe it was naive of me, but when my sweet grandmother asked the question, my answer was a resounding, "No, I didn't think it would be like this."
I have mourned the many ways I thought motherhood would look. Certainly, this season is God’s gracious gift to me—full of love, joy, and heart-melting moments. Yet who knew it would also be far more messy and far more tedious than what I saw on Instagram? There are so many things I didn't know, but what's more profound are all the things I wouldn't know now if I never encountered the sickness that comes with having tiny children:
1. The intense love of the church for her people.
Sickness opened the door for me to experience the beauty of the church like I hadn’t before. In those extremely tender moments, I saw firsthand how the body of believers prays, comforts, and offers tangible support to those who need it. A text. A meal delivered. Babysitting despite fevers because they know we have reached our limits. Love like this is deeply sacrificial and representative of the love of Christ. Without illness, I may have never known this love.
2. My need to trust Christ with my children's lives.
Seeing my son without breath in his lungs brought me to terms with my own inability to sustain his life. All the control I thought I had was quickly stripped from me when I had no power to take away his suffering. I have never felt so helpless, but I have also never been so strengthened by the Lord. Those moments of immense weakness showed me that Christ's sustaining power for my life and the lives of my children is so much better than the facade of control I lived in before having babies.
3. The sufficiency of the Lord to sustain me.
In the moments when I really thought I could not go on—whether that was due to my own illness, sleepless nights, postpartum fog, or the thousands of other things going on in those days—the Lord always kept me going. I think this is the time when I truly learned the reality of God's mercies being new every morning.[1] Through illness, God taught me that his grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in weakness[2]—not just in theory but in the real, hard, tiring moments of life. He used unprecedented seasons of illness in our home to refine me and to cause me to trust him. Despite how it may feel, at the end of myself, and my own abilities, is a really good place to be.
4. The hope and fullness of heaven.
Finally, prolonged family illnesses have caused me to long for heaven in new ways. I ache for the days when I don't have to hold my hair back while I puke into the toilet or when the anxiety of my children's health is not even a consideration. I cannot wait for my own responses to be those that always glorify God—to never be angry when I'm inconvenienced or fearful because of my circumstances. I look forward to being fully made into Christ's image, and I know that the work the Spirit is doing in me through these earthly hardships is transforming me from one degree of glory to the next.[3]
So no, I didn't think it would be this way. I didn't think flus and fevers would consume so much of my time and energy, but I also had no concept for all that motherhood would teach me. I didn't know the ways that my picture-perfect dreams would be insufficient for my sanctification. But God did. The Lord knew all that I would encounter in motherhood, and he knew his sustaining power in ambulance rides and all-nighters would be molding me into a more worthy vessel for his glory. In some ways, I mourn the ideals I once held, but I am so grateful to now know all the things I wouldn't have known without these unexpected hardships. Amidst all the ups and downs, God faithfully uses these motherhood moments to make us more like Christ.
[1] Lamentations 3:22-23
[2] 2 Corinthians 12:9
[3] 2 Corinthians 3:18
